笑一笑,沒煩惱;樂一樂,精神好

  • 喜樂的心是良藥。心情鬱悶時,讀一兩篇笑話吧。

    ***父母親的節日***
    多年來,兒子只記得母親節,卻忘了父親節,所以爸爸一直挺失落。
    又到了父親節,早上,全家人一起吃早飯,突然,孩子走到冰箱前,
    打開門,然後問: “爸爸,你知道今天是什麼日子嗎?”
    爸爸心中暗喜,想著兒子可能要給他一個驚喜。
    於是爸爸高興地回答:“今天是6月18日。”
    孩子有點失望地說:“哇,那牛奶過期了。”
    爸爸:……
    金句提醒:
    要孝敬父母,使你得福,在世長
    壽。這是第一條帶應許的誡命 。以弗所書 6:4

    ***奶奶的家書***

    親愛的孫子
    我這封信寫的很慢,因為知道你看字不快,
    你爸爸和我已經搬家了,不過地址沒改,因為搬家的時候把門牌也帶過來了。
    這禮拜下了兩次雨,第一次下了3天,第二次下了4天。

    昨天我們去買披薩,店員問我要切成 8片還是12片,

    我說:8片就成了,12片吃不完。

    我給你寄去了一件外套,因為怕郵寄時超重, 所以把扣子剪下來,放在外套口袋裡了。

    最後告訴你,現在工作難找,本來想寄點錢給你度年關的,可惜信封已經封上了。

     

    ***卓別林***

    卓別林為滿座觀眾說了一個很棒的笑話,引來哄堂大笑……

    他立即重複,再說了同一個笑話,這時,只有幾個人笑了……

    當他第三次重複同一個笑話後⋯靜悄悄地,沒有人笑了……

    接下來,他說了一句充滿智慧的格言:
    如果你不能一次又一次的,為同一個笑話開懷大笑,那你為何要為同一件傷心事,一次又一次哭泣呢? 又為什麼要為同一件事情,一次又一次生氣呢?

    Image result for wisdom emoji

    ***早间一笑***
    有一对小夫妻,在医院停车场,女的怀孕了,一下车就哇哇哇的吐了
    男的有点木讷,就站在一旁看着。妻子就生气的说:“你给我拍拍呀!”
    男的马上就拿出手机,咔嚓咔嚓,拍了好几张相片………

    然后问妻子:“老婆,现在就发朋友圈吗?
    老婆: 。。。。

    ***太搞笑了!***
    凤凰卫视主持人 鲁豫 采访 上海精神病院院长 徐一峰

    鲁豫:“徐院长,您怎样确定病人是否治愈?”
    徐:“其实很简单,先把浴缸注满水,然后旁边放一把汤匙和一个小脸盆,看他怎么把浴缸里的水弄没喽。”
    鲁豫惊奇:“这也太简单了!我都不用想就知道,该用小脸盆。”
    徐院长无语了5秒钟,然后回答:“已经治愈的话,就会把浴缸里的塞子拔掉。 ”

    ***同窗情***
    心情不好去五星级饭店吃饭,点了八个菜,特意要了一只大龙虾,自己干了一瓶三十年的茅台,还喝两碗鱼翅。酒足饭饱!一掏钱,坏了,没带钱包,怎么办?
    没办法!打电话给在公安局的同学,喊他送钱来。
    同学带着几个手下很快就来了,全副武装,进来就把我铐上了,说跟踪好久了,还把我头上套个黑袋子。经理和服务员都吓哆嗦了,躲得远远的,生怕与我扯上关系。
    上警车后,同学说:我也没钱,哥们只能这样帮你了!
    同学情!真的好感动!

     

    ***博君一笑 ***

    小时候说客家话。普通话說不好,有一回普通话听写测验,我坐第一排,专注地听着老师发音。
    老师读:“嫌犯。”
    我立刻在笔记本写上“咸饭”。
    老师不小心瞄到我的卷子,但又不忍让我难堪,就提高音量:“嫌疑犯!”
    我迟疑一秒,似有所悟,提笔将“咸饭”改成“咸鱼饭”。
    老师再瞄后有点晕。 故意提高音量说:“是‘犯人的嫌疑犯’。”
    我听了觉得很有道理,于是再加上三个字“放盐的咸鱼饭”。
    老师再也忍不住了,用翻白的眼神对着我:“我说的是‘有一位嫌疑犯’。”
    我当时有点紧张,用颤抖的笔迹慢慢写下“尤鱼味咸鱼饭”。
    老师只好走到我身边, 按着我肩膀,说:“是那种‘罪大恶极要死的嫌疑犯’。”
    满脑浆糊的我怯怯地涂掉先前所写,然后改成“嘴大饿极要食的咸鱼饭”。
    老师晕了。

    记得上初中,中午午休的时候,我和哥们躲在厕所里抽烟。

    听见外面有人来,哥们猛吸一口,就把烟甩了。

    进来的是教导主任,他看见我们靠着窗户,便问:你们在干嘛呢?

    我慌了,转头看向哥们。他的表情我至今难忘。只见他鼻孔里冒着好多白烟,然后说到:我在生气。

    ***輕鬆一下***
    天氣又開 始變得冷颼颼了,兄弟兩人要去逛百貨公司,經過公車站牌附近的銀行,就想先去銀行外面的提款機領點錢, 但不巧正好碰到運鈔車正在裝鈔。

    兩人站在提款機旁邊等了半天,手都快凍僵了, 還不時要忍受保全警衛飄來懷疑的眼光。

    兄一如往常簡短的問我:「凍手嗎?」 我照舊簡短地回答:「凍手!」  四個保全警衛的其中兩桿槍頭轉向了我們。

    兄似乎嚇呆了沒有做任何的解釋!
    我著急~  大聲地對兄喊到:
    「哥~他們這樣,你怎麼都還不開腔呢?」  瞬時~四個保全警衛的四桿槍頭全轉向了我們。被扭往派出所後~ 警察問我哥:「你叫什麽名字?」
    我哥:「蔣英宇。」
    警察稍微提高音量:「你叫什麽名字? 」 我哥:「蔣英宇。」
    警察大聲:「你~叫~什~麽~名~字?」  哥也大聲回道:
    「蔣~英~宇~」
    警察:「吼~ ! 好、好、好,What is your name?」  哥生氣了:「到底要問多少遍~!」~沉默以對!

    警察無奈~ 轉頭問我:「What is your name?」 我有點怕,很快的回答他:
    「蔣國宇…………」
    警察不知為何也生氣了, 打電話到家裡,大妹和小妹急急忙忙跑到警局,警察先生:『妳們的哥哥很怪,一個要我講英語,一個要我講國語,就是不說他們的名字,唉…
    請問兩位小姐如何稱呼?』

    妹妹同時回應:『蔣邰羽』『蔣茜羽』警察更生氣了:你們全都愛作怪,打電話給令尊聽電話。
    蔣老先生接過電說:蔣日雨,有何貴幹? 警察聽了當場昏倒。

     

    感謝:

    本頁笑話集是從網上收集,版權歸原作者。感謝Taylor Wang弟兄整理並上載。

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • A Child’s Point of View!

    The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman. The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”

    What would Jesus do?

    Our fourth grader celebrated his birthday on crutches, so he couldn’t carry the cupcakes into school without help. I asked our sixth-grader, Noah, to help his brother carry them in. “I could,” he said, “but I’d prefer not to.” Spotting a teaching moment, my husband asked Noah, “What would Jesus do?” Noah answered, “Jesus would heal him so he could carry his own cupcakes.” —Rachel Nichols

    God is the Answer

    Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. “Who is the creator of the universe?” Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!” The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?” Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher congratulated her again.

    Note: you should not say God’s name in vain. The Bible says: “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain” (Exodus 20:7)

     

    Who Makes the Coffee??

    A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: “Right here in HEBREWS!”

     

    Tainted

    Timmy didn’t want to put his money in the offering plate Sunday morning, so his mother decided to use some hurried creative reasoning with him.

    “You don’t want that money, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “Quick! Drop it in the plate. It’s tainted!”

    Horrified, the little boy obeyed.

    After a few seconds he whispered, “But, mommy, why was the money tainted? Was it dirty?

    “Oh, no dear,” she replied. “It’s not really dirty. It just ‘taint yours, and it ‘taint mine,” she replied. “It’s God’s.”

     

    Creation is Exhausting!

    God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”

    The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

    God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

     

    Note: In fact God does not get exhausted. The Bible teaches:

    “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.” (Isaiah 40:28-29)

    However,  “Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:30-31)

    The Hand of God

    Little Philip was walking home in the rain with his mother following Sunday worship. It finally stopped raining as they rounded the corner, where to their surprise and delight appeared a vivid double rainbow in the sky.

    “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this rainbow?” his mother exclaimed. “I bet God painted this just for you!”

    “Yes,” replied Philip, “God did it, and he did it left handed.”

    Confused, his mother asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

    “Well,” said Philip, “we learned in Sunday School that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

     

    Actual children’s versions of Christmas Carols:

    “…sleep in heavenly peas”;

    “Joy to the world, the Savior rains”;

    “This is he whom Sears of old…”;

    “Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o’er the plane”;

    “While shepherds washed their socks by night.”

     

    Children of Israel

    “Dad, I want to ask you a question,” said little Josh after his first day of Sunday School.

    “Of course,” said his Dad.

    “The teacher was reading the Bible, about the Children of Israel building the Temple, the Children of Israel crossing the Red Sea, the Children of Israel making the sacrifices,” said Josh.

    “So what’s your question?” his Dad asked.

    “Well, didn’t the grown-ups do anything?!”

    Do you Know Jesus Christ?

    Because the parish cut his salary, the devout pastor took a job delivering pizzas to make ends meet.

    On his first day on the job he was walking past a big construction site when he heard the workers using the foulest language he’d ever heard. He stopped and asked the man closest to him, “Do you know Jesus Christ?”

    The worker bellowed to his colleagues, “Hey, does anybody know Jesus Christ?” After a pause he added, “His pizza is here.”

     

    What Jesus would Say

    The pastor was preparing pancakes for her young sons when the boys began arguing over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

    “If Jesus were sitting here,” she told them, “he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’”

    The younger boy turned to his brother and said, “You be Jesus.”

     

    The Praying Fly

    Pastor: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
    Waiter: Praying.
    Pastor: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
    Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.

    Great Discovery

    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

     

    Flood

    A flood covered the street and a man was sitting on a roof. The water was up to his knees. He prayed to GOD to save him. Minutes later, a boat with two people came by. They said to hop in but he said GOD would save him. The water was up to his waist. A boat came with one person in it. He said there was room, but the man said that GOD would save him. The Water was up to his neck. Then a boat came with no people and he thought that GOD would save him. He died an hour later and went up to HEAVEN. He asked GOD, ” Why didn`t you save me?” And GOD answered, ” What are you talking about? I sent you three boats!”

     

    Heaven Knockin’ on Your Door

    Knock Knock Who’s there? Heaven! Heaven who? Heaven seen you in ages!

     

    A Nervous Wreck

    Preaching his first sermon, the seminary student had written a thoughtful line in his sermon, “God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil.”

    But in his nervousness, it came out like this: “God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil.”

     

    Seeing is Believing

    Day after day the atheist college professor would taunt his students with the same question. “Have you ever seen God??” Three times he asked. When no one dared answer, he always concluded, “Well, it is quite obvious there is no God.”

    One day a Christian student had had enough.

    The girl said to the class, “Have you ever seen our professor’s brain?” Three times she asked it. When no one answered, she concluded, “Well, it is quite obvious that our professor has no brain.”

     

    Where Can We Find Jesus?

    The Sunday school teacher asked her first graders, “where can we find Jesus today?”
    Mary said, “in our hearts.”
    Billy said, “In heaven.”
    Tommy said, “In our bathroom.
    Asked to explain, Tommy said, “Every morning my dad knocks on the bathroom door and says, ‘Jesus Christ, are you ever going to come out?’”

    Have you Found Jesus?

    A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
    the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to
    the Preacher.

    The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are
    you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says,
    “Yes,Preacher. I sure am.”

    The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
    back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
    “No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

    The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
    up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
    “No, I did not Reverend.”

    The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
    this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My
    God, have you found Jesus yet?”

    The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…”Are you sure
    this is where he fell in?”

    Acknowledgment:

    1. The above jokes have been collected by Emily Fong and Joy Qiu. Copyright is reserved for the original writers.
    2. The page is made by Joy Qiu in July 2021. Many thanks for her hard work.